I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
