My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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