Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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