I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
