I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize