I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
