Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
