Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
