we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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