I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Pooping to opera.
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