i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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