update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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