90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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