I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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