Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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