Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
