your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
