I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You pole danced in your parka.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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