Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize