I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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