but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize