i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
