rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
