So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
