One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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