It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My life is pants optional.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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