like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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