dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
