I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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