Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
