Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
