I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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