I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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