Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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