i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
