we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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