sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
