I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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