I wish my penis had an off switch
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
