Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So squirting runs in the family.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
