I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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