Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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