Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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