So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
