Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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