my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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