I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
