so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
