I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
