Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize