He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
