Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
