She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
