You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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