I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I intend to get homeless drunk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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