Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so that wasnt chicken after all
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
