Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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