just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
